Scams, Snacks & Marital Strife

In which I wade into the texting-during-yoga debate.

kier here is a free digital newsletter sent out every Friday at noon PST.

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Hello, friends and foes!

Today I bring you the first instalment of my bad advice column, followed by a pairing menu for long weekend couch potato-ing, before closing out with an adorable fuzzy creature. Happy reading~

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Dear Kier,

I need some help. I just came back from a 3 day trip and my wife left as soon as I got back because she wanted to go to yoga class. Is she going to be too tired to talk about my trip? Should I text her during yoga?

Dear M,

I want to tread carefully here and avoid jumping to conclusions, but you need to leave your wife. Your question is shot through with red flags: why wasn’t she with you on your trip? Why is she prioritizing her health over your unbearable neediness? Why isn’t SHE texting YOU from her yoga class? But most alarmingly of all, why do you feel the need to ask permission before interrupting her self-care?

The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, but this, my friend, is a textbook case. In a loving relationship, you get exactly what you want, every minute of the day, no exceptions. I text my husband loving affirmations at least three times from my weekly yoga class. If your wife truly cared, she’d shoot you a text during downward-facing dog, or use the shut-eye breathing exercise to squeeze in a quick phone call.

You deserve true love, M, and I believe you will find it—but will it be in this marriage? If I were you, I'd be packing my suitcase.

Alternatively, you could just wait for her to get home. Up to you!

Do you have a burning question that only Dear Kier can answer? Email kier@substack.com to submit your query, and I will do my utmost to lead you hopelessly astray.

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Scams & Snacks

So you’ve decided to spend the long weekend in front of your TV, bingeing a show with plenty of funny business, thank you very much. While you’re sitting on the can, however, doing your pre-show business so that even nature won’t interrupt you, you are gripped by a horrible realization: you don’t know what to eat! Fear not, gentle reader—I’ve anticipated this extremely specific and highly unlikely need of yours, and I’ve curated a pairing menu for your perusal.

Better Call Saul (Netflix)

Better Call Saul is one of my all-time favourite TV shows. It’s full of unreliable characters who find themselves thrust into impossible situations and grappling with their morals. The show outgrew its role as a Breaking Bad spinoff long ago, and has continued to provide top-notch storytelling through the five-and-a-half seasons currently available. Saul and his colleagues rarely have time for a proper lunch given the chaos of the courthouse, so the snack machine gets a lot of action. A bag of your favourite potato chips is the perfect snack for Better Call Saul.

LuLaRich (Amazon Prime)

LulaRich tells the story of the rise and fall of multi-level marketing company and alleged pyramid scheme (although those are arguably the same thing) LuLaRoe. Interview footage with founders DeAnne Brady and Mark Stidham sets this documentary apart from most other MLM exposés, and gives the audience a taste of how these people rationalize scamming isolated young mothers (less than 1% of MLM participants ever make a profit.) For this show I recommend getting yourself some sour gummy worms, naming half of them Mark and half of them DeAnne, then chewing them with your mouth open as you watch.

McMillion$ (Crave)

This documentary tells the story of how a small group of individuals rigged the McDonalds Monopoly game and stole $24 million in cash prizes over the course of twelve years. Between a proud mob wife and an FBI agent with ADHD, the interviewees are what make this documentary so entertaining. This show also provides a surprisingly touching conclusion. You could really go two ways snack-wise: if you want to root for the multinational corporation, head for those golden arches, but if you’d rather root for the Colombo crime family, I’d suggest pasta.

Inventing Anna (Netflix)

I became a Julia Garner fan through watching Ozark, and she won me over all over again in her role as a grifter targeting New York’s art scene elite in Inventing Anna. I’m not sure what rich people eat but maybe it’s a plate of oysters? A tower of crumpets? A bathtub of caviar? Find something fancy and watch Anna work her magic in a world of wealth and nepotism.

Imposters (Netflix)

This dark comedy centers around Maddie, a beautiful and charming young woman who marries people before disappearing with their life savings. Although I couldn’t get through Season Two, Season One weaves a highly entertaining tale of three of Maddie’s exes joining forces to take her down. No snack seems quite as appropriate as wedding cake—the main reason to operate a romance scam, if you ask me.

The Dropout (Disney Plus)

Everyone’s favourite Stanford dropout/Silicon Valley darling/scam artist, Elizabeth Holmes, is portrayed by Amanda Seyfried in this behind-the-scenes tale of greed and persuasion. The show won’t offer any new information if you’ve been following the rise and fall of med-tech company Theranos, but it’s worth watching for Seyfried’s performance as a highly neurotic and eccentric young woman, bent on financial and moral domination. As for edible accompaniment, nothing will beat a bright green smoothie, although grass clippings stirred into a cup of water from an endangered glacier will do in a pinch.

The Puppet Master: Hunting the Ultimate Conman (Netflix)

This show is on the gritty, creepy end of scam shows, so it won’t be for everyone. That said, The Puppet Master tells the fascinating story of a man who keeps two friends under his control and on the move for years under the guise of keeping them safe, before moving on to a new target. The nightmare begins in an English pub, so I’d recommend whipping up a hearty stew to slurp as you shake your fist at the television.

Bad Vegan (Netflix)

In much the same vein as The Puppet Master, Bad Vegan illuminates how coercive control ruined the life and business of trailblazing vegan New York chef and restaurateur Sarma Melngailis, in a story nearly too bizarre to be true. In an essay Melngailis wrote after the premiere, she suggests that the filmmaker cast doubt on her innocence purely for the sake of controversy. While it’s worth keeping that in mind, the show remains a fascinating piece of television. In accompaniment, I suggest my lazy vegan potluck go-to: Oreos.

Your High School Acquaintance Who’s in a Pyramid Scheme (Instagram)

We all know her: the girl who bullied you in gym class and then slid into your DMs ten years later with an offer for ~girlbosses only~. That’s right, she grew up to become a slinger of essential oils, or leggings, or diarrhea-inducing meal replacement shakes, who enthusiastically rips off her friends and family for free trips to Hawaii. She may have started out as the scammed one, but now she’s making money off hundreds or thousands of people who are desperate for a lucky break. You might be able to stay away from her social media for a week, or maybe a month, but eventually you’ll come crawling back, fascinated by her “Ignoring the Haters” seminars and her use of eucalyptus oil for hiccups and burps. Nothing beats chocolate when it comes to stalking people from your past, but you’re going to need a whole box for this one. Happy scrolling!

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Pet of the Week

Nate (interviewed for last week’s newsletter) sent us picture of their bunny nephew, Chester. He likes parsley and popcorn, and is apparently going to Paris in the fall. Bon Voyage, Chester!

I want to feature a subscriber’s furry, feathered or scaled friend in every issue of kier here! Please email kier@substack.com with your name and a picture and short bio of your animal companion so they can be the next Pet of the Week.

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This App Makes the World Go Round

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kier here finally cracked and joined social media! you can find me on instagram, twitter, and the park bench up the street from my house (no link for that last one, you creeps.) if you enjoyed this week’s newsletter, please share it far and wide using this lovely tangerine button:

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